(28/05/22)
Deep into the night I read the first half of this book. My eyes were tired, my mind as well and in the quiet of darkness I jumped into dialogue between two strangers. Strangers both to me and to each other. I walked around them, listened for a bit, got used to them and their way of talking. But that was it, I didn't think much about it. There are many books and movies and plays that include philosophizing about the meaning of life, faith, the world, society and human nature. I didn't expect anything new, at best I just wanted a few good quotes that will stick with me for a while and that I can carry around during the next few days.
But the next day when I woke up, for the first time during my "period of freedom" when I didn't have to go to work, I got up right after I opened my eyes, no lazy lingering in bed. It was an hour before lunch when I sat alone in the kitchen, my eyes still touched by sleep and I opened the book again. This time, I wasn't just walking around them, standing in corners. When I sat down in my kitchen I also sat down at that kitchen table with them, feeling a bit closer and a bit more used to them. More and more curious about them and mostly about how this dialogue will end. It wasn't just any dialogue, you see. A life depended on it.
Quitness, sleepiness, occasional sounds of long-awaken life outside and the steady clicking of the clock, their almost unconscious reminder that life is fading away more quickly than we realize. In that noon atmosphere I got absorbed in the book way more than I did in the depth of the night before.
As I suspected, neither of them said anything new to me. All of White's thoughts and even beliefs were mine as well, only better articulated at times. At the same time, Black's view was the one I'm still trying to have more of. Except for the faith in God. I saw part of me in both, way more in White, and sometimes it maybe wasn't safe, to have all these thoughts thrown back at me so convincingly, when I'm still at war with them myself. But at the same time, when the end came – and I was happy that there was no miraculous ending this time – it gave me strange hope, however ironically that sounds. Because I realized that no matter how hard that battle is, and even with all these thoughts in my head, I still don't want to catch The Sunset Limited. At least not really and not yet.
And maybe they didn't say anything new, but watching that exchange between those two men made me see more clearly where my own views are. I realized that most of the time I'm somewhere in the middle of those two, same as I was at that table, sitting between them. Still a bit closer to that abyss than not, but at least not fully there. And that maybe… that's okay. Maybe that's where it's safest in the end. To see all that ugliness, cruelty, meaninglessness, all those monsters hiding in humans, and still… be able to live, to enjoy my tea, to want to read the next book, to see another country, to help someone if it doesn't make a change. Because so what if it doesn't. So what if it's all meaningless. (Optimistic nihilism for the win.)
And there is still so much work for me to at least stay on that road and don't fall all the way down every other day. But that's the view I choose and once again, see more clearly thanks to them.
So no, I didn't get anything new. No revolutionary thoughts, nothing that would make me change my perspective. But… I did get to test my own views, my own hopes and see where I'm standing on that platform of life. And I got one interesting dialogue, more than a few quotes to carry around for the next few days and a feeling that stayed even when the book was closed.
And I think that's enough.
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