06/01/23
Imagine lying on your bed at three in the morning with your soul ripped open, your deepest feelings uncovered, your hidden and forgotten fears and hopes and dreams screaming loudly all around you and in between all that violence, a quiet peace is slowly enveloping you - feeling of being understood on a level deeper than you ever thought you could be… understood by a book, a character, an author.
Such a small thing this book, so short and yet hides so much inside of it. It was enough for me to see where both the genius and the devil of Dostoyevsky lies. He dives deep into the human soul and uncovers it smoothly, even against your will, making you face things you sometimes wish would remain buried. You both love and hate him for it, because you are finally understood, but left to pick up the pieces afterwards.
Maybe that's just me, maybe you won't be so affected by this little thing. But for me it was something revolutionary - I had never related so deeply. The main character is a dreamer and I've spent most of my life in dreams, in various meanings, bad while sleeping, mostly good while being awake. Often, they were (and still are) a real problem for me: I would constantly stop listening to people, I would not pay attention to my surroundings, I wouldn't even properly live in reality, completely lost in my own imagination instead. It's like a drug, an addiction, colourful, exploding, joyful, something to hide in, something to save you, but at the same time making everything else dull and grey and pointless, shaping you into a walking corpse with a loud head and empty eyes.
And it's not the only theme this book touches deeply upon. There is loneliness and melancholy, hopeless future and unrequited love. But the thing I appreciate the most - how the protagonist responded to it. I would throw this book into the face of all the incels of this world (and regret it's not thicker), because this is how you handle rejection.
I can't imagine a better book to begin my year with. And if you ever want to give Dostoyevsky a chance, this is a good start.
New favourite quote: “My God! A whole minute of bliss! Is that really so little for the whole of a man's life?”
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